Jealousy and the Gene Pool
I was all geared up to write a blog call Jealousy – What the heck is going on? which was all about how testosterone fuels jealousy – literally, its like an injection of the stuff, right in the ovaries! Fuck and fight till the gene pool is back where it should be! With me!!! Fascinating stuff and sure the hell would make a good blog. If i wasn’t so impatient I would write it but I just want to get to the end….. oh there I go again rocking my testosterone needs.! Theres the finish line boys, lets go go go……Ahhhhhh…..now I understand. Gosh I am learning so much right now!!! I must say I am really enjoying getting in touch with my masculine at the moment, it means my driver returned and my motivator, albeit unsure of its motivation, is coming back to play! Feels good, energising, slightly tiring, but ultimately good.
Ok here goes, lets give it a try.
For a while now I’ve been wanting to write a blog about Jealousy. In my years in the UK Tantra scene, I’d attended a couple of workshops on Jealousy. These were in the form of workshops where the facilitator guided us into make believe experiences that could create jealousy. Nice idea however my partners were not at any of these events at the time and I’m not really so good at hypothetical. On a long reflection I can see that i first really experienced jealousy when i was around 15/16, and we are talking about sexual jealousy here just to be clear,I know there are many other ways it reveals itself, but for the content of this blog I want to focus on sexual jealousy. I remember storming through Staple Hill high street, feet gripping the pavement it my needle thin heels, urgent and angry to get to the pub to observe my then boyfriend ‘flirting’ with another bar maid, in fact walking in whilst he was chasing her around the central bar with a bucket of water trying to soak her so that he could ( in my neurotic craziness) soak her top and thus get a look at her nipples. Yes ok its arousing now I write it but at the time it just plain hurt!
And right there we already have a big question……. Why is it arousing now? Well the wisdom and curiosity of this 45 year old has discovered a few answers about that!
Four weeks ago my newest relationship came to an abrupt end. Well it felt abrupt at the time and i wont go into all the ins and outs of why right now. But I will say that to date, he is by far the best lover I have ever had. Strong, olive skinned, beautiful phallus, working on his shit, bringing his passion, great communicator, fluid, muscular, tattooed, beautiful blue eyes and an unquenchable thirst for sex. Pretty nice! So naturally when the ‘break up’ hit my jealousy went “Taa Daa”! It was the same ole same ole feeling, clenching in the pussy, contraction around the heart, panicky, heart rate building, angry feeling. These were the things that were very ‘familiar’ to me but I needed to see what else was there, I needed to learn something that was useful and that would create a new neural pathway for me to tune my sub-conscious mind to. So I took a little road trip into the sensations, as I have been learning to do and as I really am bringing to my work as an intimacy coach. From experience I have learned that profoundly going into the sensations of an experience and feeling into the placement of these sensations and feelings within the chakra system I could not only understand more about my experiences but also transform the (labels) painful, powerful and chronic ones into feelings that were totally manageable. Thus leaving a feeling of less-limited and less afraid. So bringing the feeling and experience of jealousy into intimate connection with myself, I discovered wonderful things.
Here is some gold!!!
When a woman experiences jealousy she releases the hormone Testosterone directly from her ovaries, in her endocrine system, into the blood stream. Testosterone is an interesting hormone, as well as supporting the development of the male body it is also attributed to lengthening life, strengthening sexual connection within relationships (which was my discovery too), having more chance of attracting a woman (which could be another great side effect), helping men take more business and financial risks (which could go either way!) and within those women who are lucky enough to have an elevated level of the stuff, achieve orgasm easier. When I stopped and took a good look at my rising jealousy levels as my man walked out of the door I could feel it literally flooding into and rising up in my body. It was hot and energising and scary and that familiar clenching began to happen. But then in my watchfulness I began to notice something! This wasn’t ‘pain’ in my VJJ as I had previously thought, this was actually quite pleasurable and at the same time I wanted to kill someone!! Fighting Fucking??? what the hell was going on. Ahhhh Testosterone. With this I could literally feel my reptilian brain communicating with my neocortex! My primal disposition from this old brain response was to to keep my man in my gene pool. This is exactly what is happening on a primal (mammalian instinctive) level and to my discovery it is an astonishingly strong sensation. While this instinct is unavoidable it goes totally against the more powerful wisdom in my heart that says, freedom is the way to liberation, but nevertheless it was strong!
Over the years I’ve been subjected to many questions about why I personally experience jealousy and how hard that must be to live with whilst engaging in open relationships. It has been a question for me for some time now, so to discover that all that was really happening was my old brain wanting to keep my gene pool intact has profoundly impacted my understanding and also has set off a wave of new behaviours within me.
So I began to have a relationship with the testosterone in my body, I agreed to let it flow and come in closer where I could understand what it does within me a little more. I began to let myself get truly aroused at the thought of my ex being with another woman, I began to take a little more risk in my work, I began to open myself more to the idea of really being powerfully intimate with another woman and I began to trust myself a lot more. My erotic meditations have been more active and dynamic. All these things I can honestly see are part of the fact that my testosterone levels are relatively high. A fact I am rather beginning to enjoy. I really don’t need more children to raise, it doesn’t matter if more babies are grown in another womb, but it does matter that I choose to increase my sexual drive at a time when my oestrogen is on the down turn! So I say, “Hello testosterone, welcome….. take a seat….stay a while”! I feel so grateful that the practices I have learned and studied over the years have given me the knowledge and the wisdom to keep going inside for answers. Always I find gold. Yes its personal and experiential and thats exactly how I like it.